The Apocalypse Nobody Showed Up For
The Four Horsemen arrive to end the world—only to find that humanity is too busy to notice. Faced with total irrelevance, the Horsemen are forced to rethink their careers.
The skies turned red.
The oceans boiled.
The Four Horsemen descended.
And nobody cared.
War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death expected panic.
Instead, they arrived during rush hour.
"Hey," said a driver, honking at Death's pale horse. "You gonna move or what?"
Humanity had too much going on to deal with the apocalypse.
The Horsemen tried everything to speed up the end of days:
- War started a conflict in Europe.
- It was immediately overshadowed by a new Netflix documentary.
- Famine wiped out global food supplies.
- Everyone just switched to oat milk and supplements.
- Pestilence released a new plague.
- People called it “allergies” and went to work anyway.
- Death waited for a massive catastrophe.
- It got delayed due to "supply chain issues."
“I hate this planet,” Death muttered.
After months of zero progress, the Horsemen gave up.
Death took a job at the DMV.
War started a podcast.
Pestilence became a lifestyle influencer.
Famine just went vegan.
And with that, the apocalypse quietly expired.
No one noticed.
Two years later, War’s podcast hit #3 on Spotify.
The apocalypse was finally successful.
It just took three business quarters and a marketing campaign.